Learn how to do anything: How to Help Someone With Low Self Esteem

Self-esteem, or the way that we feel about ourselves, is just one part of our emotional make-up. If you have high self-esteem, it may be difficult for you to see a friend or a loved one suffering from low self-esteem. Though you cannot make others feel better about themselves, you can offer support and encouragement and model positive self-esteem.

Steps

Offering Support

Be a good friend. A good friend can function in the same way as a therapist by really listening to the person, and speaking to them from the heart.^[1] While it can be a challenge to maintain a friendship with someone who is unfortunately emotionally unstable, remember that this is (hopefully) a temporary state, and they are working towards improvement.
- Make an effort to spend time with your friend; people with low self-esteem often lack the initiative to make plans with someone, so you may have to initiate plans yourself.
- Listen to your friend, making eye contact while you are conversing.^[2] Showing that you care about them can help give them the support to improve their self-esteem. ^[3]
Avoid trying to tell the person how to think. You risk alienating the person you are trying to help if you directly tell them how they should think about themselves or act. ^[4] Instead, support them for who they are, and try to encourage them towards and model healthier emotional self-care.
- If you try to counter the person’s negativity, they may not respond well. For example, if they say “I feel so stupid,” it may not be helpful to say, “no, you’re not: you’re very smart.”
- Instead, try responding to “I feel so stupid” by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Tell me more about what makes you think that.” This can offer an avenue for a more productive conversation. ^[5]
Volunteer together. People who suffer from low self-esteem often find that they find it more difficult to feel bad about themselves while they are doing charitable work for others. You could boost a friend’s self-esteem subtly by encouraging them to volunteer with you.^[6]
Provide a shoulder to cry on. If your friend wants to talk about their feelings or about the root of their low self-esteem, the most helpful thing you can do is listen while they processes these issues. Often, if someone identifies the root cause of their self esteem problems, they can realize that their negative feelings about themselves come from outside.^[7]
Suggest inner voice modification. Ask your loved one what their inner voice says to them about themselves. You’ll likely find that their inner voice is constantly negative.^[8] Try to teach them to be more kind to themselves by stopping the negative self-talk and turning it around to something positive.
- For example, if their inner voice tells them, “I mess up every attempt at a relationship,” suggest that they say, “I am doing my best to have a healthy relationship. I will work on being a better communicator in the future.”
- Being positive doesn’t mean having to be perfect.
Suggest therapy, gently. If you feel that the other person has deeper issues than you can personally help them with, try suggesting that she attend therapy. Both cognitive behavioral therapy^[9] and psychodynamic therapy^[10] can help with low self-esteem.
- You may want to approach this conversation carefully. You don’t want to alienate the other person or make them think that you think they're crazy.
- If you have ever been to therapy yourself, explain how much it helped you in the past.
- Don’t be upset if your suggestion is immediately rejected. You may have planted a seed that will continue to grow in the other person’s mind; they may eventually decide to try a counselor.

Modeling Healthy Self-Esteem

Spend time with your friend with low self-esteem. Just being around someone with higher self-esteem may help someone who is suffering from a lack of confidence. If you take opportunities to communicate your own self-perception, you can model healthy emotional well-being.
- Additionally, someone with low self-esteem may be reluctant to ask to spend time with someone, so you may need to take the initiative yourself.
Make goals and take risks. People with low self-esteem often hesitate to take risks or make goals because of a fear of failure.^[11] By making goals and taking risks yourself, you can show a healthy approach for life. If possible, talk through your thought process with the person with low self-esteem. You may want to emphasize:
- What goal you are setting and why
- What you will do when you achieve the goal
- How you will feel if you do not achieve it (ie: if I do my best and give it a shot and it doesn’t work out, I will learn from the experience and try something else)
- The possible outcomes of taking a risk
- How you will feel with the different outcomes
Express your inner voice. We all live with our own inner voices, and it’s difficult to know that your voice is abnormal if you have nothing to compare it to. Talking to someone with low self-esteem about the way you talk to and think about yourself can help her understand a more positive inner voice.^[12]
- Emphasize that even when things do not work out as you had hoped, you do not blame or berate yourself.
- Communicate that you do not assume that other people are judging or thinking bad things about you in their minds.
- Explain how you praise yourself for your accomplishments, and that being proud of yourself doesn’t mean being arrogant.
- Model an inner voice that actually shows the support that you would give a dear friend, not the abuse that you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Explain that you are not perfect. To someone with low self-esteem, a person who has confidence may seem perfect. Those with low self-esteem are often extremely self-critical, and when they compare themselves to others, they compare what they view as the worst parts of themselves with the best parts of others. Explaining that you are not—and you do not want to be—perfect, and that you love yourself anyway can go a long way to help someone with low self-esteem.
Show that you accept yourself. Use your words and actions to let the other person know that you accept yourself for who you are. Even if you have goals or ambitions, you are content with who you are now.
- Try using positive phrases such as “I good at…” “I hope to continue to grow in…” “I embrace my…” and “I feel good when I…”
Explain your personal goal setting. Communicating to someone with low self-esteem that you have areas which you would like to improve that you do not necessarily view as weaknesses can help her understand a healthier way to assess herself.^[13]
- Whereas someone with low self-esteem may think, “I am a failure because I haven’t found a job,” you can model a better approach by saying, “I am a great employee, and am working towards finding a job that is the right fit for me.”
- Instead of expressing something like, “I am hopelessly disorganized,” you can say, “I am better at the ‘big picture’ ideas than the details, but I am working on becoming more organized and attentive to detail.”

Understanding Low Self-Esteem

Realize that you may not be able to help. Ultimately, self-esteem is a personal issue, and people who have low self-esteem have to help themselves to truly get better. You can offer encouragement and support, but you cannot improve other people’s self-esteem.
Identify symptoms of low self-esteem. Being able to recognize the symptoms of low self-esteem can help you offer support to your loved one. Some symptoms to watch out for include:^[14]
- Making constant negative comments about themselves
- Expressing that anything less than perfection in their life is unacceptable
- Anxiety or panic when around new people
- Giving up without even trying for fear of failure
- Getting extremely defensive with little provocation
- Assuming that others are always thinking the worst about them
Ask the person about their inner thoughts. One defining characteristic of low self-esteem is the presence of an inner voice that tells the person that they are not good enough, that other people think bad things about them, and that if they aren't perfect, they aren't a worthwhile person. If your loved one feels this way, they likely have low self-esteem.
Intervene before the problem intensifies. Be aware that low self-esteem can get worse, not better, with time if left untreated. If you think someone needs help, then you should talk to them sooner rather than later. Individuals whose self-esteem problems have escalated may be more likely to: ^[15]
- Tolerate abusive relationships
- Become bullies or abusers themselves
- Give up on dreams and goals for fear of failure
- Neglect personal hygiene
- Participate in self-injurious behavior