Getting into a fight with a friend is an awful feeling. You might feel frustrated and mad at your friend, or you might just want to make up. Even though it can feel like you’ll never get back to normal, you may be able to mend the friendship by reaching out to your friend and listening to what they have to say.
EditWorking Through Conflict with Your Friend
EditSteps
EditTaking Time to Cool Off
- Walk away from the argument before it goes too far. When tempers run high, it’s easy to say something you don’t mean. If you start feeling like you’re not in control of your emotions — or your friend isn’t in control of theirs — tell your friend you’ll talk to them later and walk away.[1]
- Even if your friend says something mean that hurts your feelings, try not to get pulled into the argument again. Tell yourself they're just lashing out and let it go.
- Take several deep breaths to calm down. The first thing you should do after an argument is to calm down. It can be hard to calm down when you're angry, but staying angry isn’t good for you and it will keep you from reconciling with your friend[2]
- Slowly inhale through your nose, then exhale through your mouth. Repeat this several times, focusing on calming yourself more with each breath.
- Other things to help you calm down might include a peaceful walk outside, quiet meditation, or eating ice cream right out of the container. Whatever it is, take a little time to clear your head.
- Accept the role you played in the argument. Arguments are almost never one-sided. Think about what you did that played into your fight. Try to imagine the fight from your friend’s perspective to get a new point of view on the things you said.[3]
- Have you been feeling stressed out or irritable lately? This may have played a role in your behavior.
- Was your friend trying to communicate something to you that you brushed off? You may have hurt their feelings, leading to the argument.
- Try to see the argument from your friend's perspective. It can be really difficult to step back and see things from someone else's point of view, but being able to empathize will show your friend that you really care about them, and not just about your own feelings.
EditPlanning Your Apology
- Keep your feelings to yourself. Don’t gossip about your friend or what caused the argument, and definitely don’t post about it on social media. This will add more drama to the situation, and it could make things much worse than the original fight.[4]
- Even if you share your feelings with a close friend, word could get back to the friend you’re fighting with.
- Make up within a few days of the argument if you can. Leaving an argument hanging in the air could cause resentment to grow. You want to give your friend enough time to cool off, but try to resolve the fight as soon as possible.[5]
- The amount of time this will take is different for everyone. Some friends will make up 5 minutes after an argument, while other friends may need months to recover from hurtful words.
- Wait until you're ready before you apologize. If you rush your apology just because you're tired of fighting, your friend will probably be able to tell that you aren't being sincere.
- You'll know you're ready to apologize when you don't feel angry anymore, or when you care more about getting your friend back then you do about what they said or did that might have hurt your feelings.
- Don't apologize just because you want your friend to say they're sorry. Your friend might not be ready to apologize. You should say you're sorry because you actually feel bad for hurting your friend. Instead, try going into the conversation without expecting anything from your friend.
- Even if your friend isn't ready to apologize in return, you should apologize when you're ready. Just ask them to listen and explain what you're sorry for.
- Plan a time to talk to your friend. A face-to-face meeting will help you and your friend reconnect, and it will be easier for your friend to see that your apology is sincere. Call or text your friend and let them know you want to get together in person to talk. Ask your friend if the time and place you have in mind will work for them. If it doesn't, see if you can find something that fits both of your schedules.[6]
- Try starting the conversation by saying something like, “I really miss talking to you after class,” or “I feel really bad about the things I said and I'd like to apologize in person.”
- If your friend isn't ready to talk, try giving them a little more time. You could also send a hand-written apology note with an invitation to get together and talk more in person.
EditMaking Amends
- Offer a sincere and specific apology. Don’t just offer a blanket “I’m sorry.” Think carefully about what you are really apologizing for, and be specific when you say you’re sorry.[7]
- If you know you hurt your friend’s feelings, apologize for what you said. Say something like, “I’m really sorry I called you stupid. I respect you way more than that and my words were careless and rude.”
- You might say, “I’m sorry that I waited so long to call you after the fight,” if you honestly don’t think the argument was your fault.
- Give your friend a chance to tell their side of the story. After you apologize, let your friend talk. Listen carefully to what your friend has to say, and try not to be defensive when they tell you what they think about the fight. You might have done something to hurt or upset them that you don’t even realize.[8]
- Share your thoughts about the argument. You can talk about what happened, but don’t use this as an excuse to rehash the fight itself. Focus on using “I” statements that focus on your perspective rather than “you” statements that are centered on blame.[9]
- You could say something like, “I was feeling stressed out already that day and I lost my temper, and I shouldn't have done that” or “I felt really frustrated when you weren’t listening to me, but I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
- Don't make excuses for your behavior. It's okay to explain how you were feeling, but be sure to take responsibility for your words and actions.
- Accept your friend’s apology if they say they’re sorry. A lot of times, once you’ve apologized, your friend will say “I’m sorry too.” If they do, let them know you accept their apology and you’re ready to get things back to normal.[10]
- If your friend doesn’t apologize, ask yourself whether it’s more important to hear them say they’re sorry or to have your friend back.
- Give your friend more time if they're still angry. Your friend may not be ready to forgive you or even to end the argument. Respect your friend’s emotions, but don’t let them pull you back into the fight.[11]
- If your friend is still mad, ask what you can do to make it better. If they give you an answer, try to do that. If they say nothing, your friend may need more time, or they may want to end the friendship.[12]
- Try to be patient with your friend as they take the time to heal after your argument. They may need more time than you do, and that's okay.
- End on a positive note. Whether you and your friend have repaired the friendship or your friend is still upset, try to end the conversation positively.[13]
- If you’ve made up, leave with a big hug and plans to hang out soon.
- If your friend is still upset, close the conversation by saying something like, “I still love you and I’ll be here if you want to talk.”
EditWarnings
- If you find yourself having to apologize over and over to your friend, or they have a habit of putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself, you may need to evaluate whether it's a healthy friendship.[14]
EditSources and Citations
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