The brush off is a common technique among breadcrumbers—potential partners you meet online who never try to meet up in person and keep stringing you along. A “brush off” might be a dismissive response to a suggestion about meeting up, or an empty promise to meet IRL soon. If you want to actually meet up and push this thing forward, or at least figure out if there’s anything here to pursue, we’ve got your back. We’ll show you how to respond to a breadcrumber’s messages and put an end to this.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]“Let’s meet up!”
- Suggest meeting IRL to see how they react to it. If they’re totally opposed to the idea or they brush you off again, it’s a sign they’re not worth pouring any energy into. If they agree, or they at least seem genuinely interested in the opportunity, you may be able to push them to actually take your potential relationship seriously.[1] You could also try:
- “I could use a break right now from my home. Want to go get a coffee?”
- “What are you doing right now? Want to link up and go do something?”
- “I’m bored, and texting isn’t really doing it for me right now. Wanna hang?”
[Edit]“You seem busy. Let me know when you’re free.”
- If there’s no progress, put it on them to do something meaningful. If they continue to refuse to engage in the way you want and they’re totally opposed to meeting up, put it on them. Don’t engage with any more small talk or flirting and just disengage from the texting convos. If they never make a move, they never had plans on meeting up in the first place.[2] You could say:
- “I know you’ve got a lot going on, and I’m busy too, so why don’t you give me a call when you have time to do something.”
- “I can tell you’ve got a lot on your plate, which is totally fine, but I was hoping to actually hang out. Let me know when you’ve got some time to meet.”
- “I hope we get to hang soon! Until then, I totally understand you’re busy. I hope to hear from you when you’ve got the time for me.”
[Edit]“What do you want out of this relationship?”
- Forcing their hand will get them to make a decision. Calling direct attention to the issue and taking a stand should put an end to the breadcrumbing. Either they brush the question off with some platitudes and cliches (in which case they’re never going to meet up), or they open up about where their head is at (in which case, there is hope). You could also ask:
- “I feel like you’re just stringing me along here. Are you just looking for a texting buddy?”
- “Why do you never seem interested in actually engaging or hanging out?”
- “Is your goal to just sext and flirt with someone every other night? Because it’s starting to feel that way.”
- Asking this type of question is a good way to get someone to take you seriously.[3]
[Edit]“I’m not interested in just texting.”
- Tell them what you want and see if they meet you on your terms. Just tell them what you need. Not only will this spell out what your requirements for the relationship are, but it will put the ball in their court and force them to meet you on your grounds. This is a good move if you’ve tried to move things forward and they just refuse to give you an answer. You might say:
- “I need real conversation and communication. This random late-night texting really isn’t doing it for me.”
- “I’m looking for something serious, and this doesn’t feel like you’re taking it seriously.”
- “I’m not interested in a texting buddy. I want someone who will actually hang out with me.”
[Edit]“Sorry I missed your text last night.”
- Don’t let a breadcrumber grab your attention late at night. If you get that obnoxious “u up?” text, or they hit you up at an unreasonable time, they’re stringing you along and likely have no intention of meeting up (or they’re treating you like a booty call). Don’t answer these texts. Wake up the next day and respond.[4] You may say:
- “Hey, apologies for missing your text. I went to bed early.”
- “What’s going on? Sorry I missed your text last night.”
- “What were you up to last night? That was a pretty late text.”
[Edit]“Please tell me why you keep doing this.”
- Call them out when they go back to their breadcrumbing ways. If they just keep trying to string you along and brush you off, don’t let it slide. Ask them why they’re going back to their old ways after you’ve already signaled you don’t want that. If they back off, you can chill out a bit and see if they change their tune. If they don’t, it’s time to move on. You could also try:
- “Why are you still texting me randomly late at night?”
- “I don’t understand what you’re trying to do here?”
- “Can you let me in on what’s going through your head? I already told you to stop stringing me along.”
[Edit]“Your excuses are getting old.”
- Stop letting the breadcrumber disappear and reappear as they please. This is especially important if they’ve ever cancelled a phone conversation, video chat, or meet up and they’re trying to do it again. Breadcrumbers get an emotional boost out of feeling like other people are at their beck and call, and taking a shot at them for backing off may get them to stop. You could also say:
- “I’m getting real sick and tired of you avoiding my needs.”
- “If you aren’t ready for an actual date that’s fine, but your excuses are terrible.”
- “I’m not interested in hearing another lame excuse. Either you want a relationship or you don’t.”
[Edit]“If you’re anxious about meeting up, I get it.”
- A more empathetic approach may work if they’re just scared to date IRL. Some breadcrumbers aren’t being avoidant on purpose—they’re just insecure that they aren’t good enough, or that the other person will ghost them after an IRL date. If you think you like this person and you get the vibe that they’re just a little anxious, try a softer approach.[5] You could also try:
- “I get you’re a little nervous about meeting IRL, but I promise I don’t bite. We can meet somewhere where you’re comfortable if that helps.”
- “I’m sure it’s a little scary if you haven’t been online dating for long, but I’d really like to meet up. You seem fun, but texting only goes so far, you know?”
- “Are you sort of avoiding serious convos here because you’re scared to get close? I get it, I really do, but I’d like to give this a shot.”
- Remember—most people are scared of intimacy and opening up.[6] That shouldn't be an excuse to keep you from getting closer, though!
[Edit]“K.”
- Keep your responses short and curt to encourage deeper engagement. If they just keep dancing around any conversations about meeting up, just stop engaging with their small talk, random texts, and hollow responses. You’ve done all you can do. Your short responses will keep the door open if they actually want to grow up and build something (you are replying after all), but it won’t allow the nonsense to continue.
- The “…” and “?” responses are also solid if you want to take the wind out of their sails.
[Edit]“I’m okay with something casual.”
- If you’re good with a fling, just tell them you’re on board. They may be brushing you off because they’re not looking for something serious. If you’re okay with just doing a friends with benefits thing, or you’re totally comfortable with the occasional booty call, let them know. This may change the nature of your relationship, but it will curb the brush offs. You could say:
- “I’m getting the sense that you aren’t really looking for a long-term thing. That’s fine with me, but can we at least talk about this?”
- “I can tell you’re only interested in something physical. Just FYI, I’m up for it, but I need some actual conversation from time to time.”
[Edit]Leave them on read.
- If they still don’t get the message, stop engaging until they do. As excited as you may have been about the prospect of this relationship, you might be better off letting it go. At a certain point, responding is only fanning the flames and the breadcrumber will keep coming back for more if you’re responsive. Don’t reply to their texts until they send you something substantive that signals they’re taking you seriously.[7]
- If you want to let them know, you might say, “Look, I’m not going to reply if you just keep stringing me along. If you send me something worth responding to, I’ll reply.”
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/internet-dating-slang
- ↑ https://medium.com/hello-love/6-signs-its-not-true-love-it-s-breadcrumbing-and-what-helps-6a1727cb62fe
- ↑ [v161037_b01]. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://thetab.com/uk/durham/2016/02/16/2am-26453
- ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/bad-texter-conversation-tips
- ↑ [v161037_b01]. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://www.sweetyhigh.com/read/times-okay-to-leave-someone-on-read-060619
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