Learn how to do anything: How to Cope With Frustration

Frustration is a disappointed feeling, often including expressions of anger in an unhelpful or self-defeating manner. Frustration is about expecting the world and its inhabitants to be, act or react as you wish. In reality, things are as they are; so no amount of ranting and steaming is going to change that. What you need to change is your perspective, or angle, on events. If you suffer from long-term frustration, apathy, or are in a frustrating relationship or friendship, address the underlying problems and learn coping techniques that set you on the path toward healthy emotions.

Steps

Handling Frustrating Events

Learn what your triggers are. Do you get frustrated when you are forced to wait and do nothing? Do you feel angrier after a direct argument, or passive-aggressive behavior? When you recognize the type of situation that bothers you, or even more specific triggers such as traffic or certain people, you can try to escape those situations before they occur.^[1] Even if you cannot avoid it, you may be more prepared to try the following coping mechanisms.
- You may also wish to look up more specific advice, such as how to deal with impatience or how to get people to understand you.
Breathe deeply. Before you act out of anger or frustration, pause and a take a deep breath. Count to ten slowly as you breathe in, then count to ten again as you breathe out. Repeat as many times as you require, until you feel calmer and in control.
Change your expectations of others. Often, frustration happens when people fail to meet an expectation that you have of another person. Sometimes the expectation is reasonable, but often it is not. The reality is that human beings are often inconsistent, and will not always be his or her "best self". The best way to handle the fact that humans are imperfect beings are to keep expectations reasonable whenever possible, and forgive others for imperfections. Remember that you, too, are not always perfect, consistent, and make mistakes.
- Learning about human psychology can go a long way to understanding why people do what they do. By learning how behavior, thought processes, and the like go right and wrong, it can go a long way to gaining a more balanced view of human nature.
- Important people in your life can consistently fail in his or her "role". For instance, a mother who is self-absorbed in her career and does not really see your achievements. She may never change. Having the expectation that she may always be that way may be healthier than getting upset every time she talks about her and glosses over your interests.

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Check that your reaction is reasonable. Before you shout, make a rude gesture, or insult someone, stop and run the even over in your head. Ask yourself these questions to help you figure out how to respond:
- Are things really as I perceive them? Did the other person notice the same things I did?
- Can I properly express my concern, to get my needs fulfilled?
- Will positive, polite words make someone more likely to help me?
- If I accept the other person's preference or need, can we cooperate with each other to fulfill mine as well?
Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Perceiving yourself as a victim, or expecting a reward for your suffering, can prevent you from responding reasonably and appreciating what the world has to offer. If this describes you, or if you feel worthless and sorry for yourself, begin to change your perspective and behavior.

Coping with Long-Term Frustration

Distract yourself with activities that take your full concentration. Dwelling on frustration or negative aspects of your life can make frustration worse, until it develops into a daily habit. It's not easy to "just snap out of it", so instead of focusing on your feelings directly, throw yourself into an activity that demands full attention. Preferably, choose an activity that makes you happy, such as a sport, game, or hobby, but even work or housecleaning can be an effective distraction, as long as they are not the source of your frustration.
- If you don't have a hobby, here's a collection of advice and specific suggestions for finding one.
Fight procrastination. Frustration can cause apathy, or severe lack of motivation. This can result in spending hours on activities that are neither productive nor enjoyable, or failing to meet goals due to procrastination. If this description fits, break the cycle with the following tips, if applicable to your situation:^[2]
- Remove distractions. Turn off your phone, other electronic devices, or the internet, unless required for the specific task you are working on. Clear your work area of all unnecessary items.
- Set your own deadlines and rewards. Unpleasant or difficult tasks can weaken your motivation. Add additional pressure with a positive spin, by rewarding yourself with a snack, entertainment, or other reward on the condition that you meet a mini-deadline within the hour, or by the end of the day.
- Stay focused on one task at a time. Stop multitasking! Multitasking almost always makes each task more difficult and easier to avoid, even if you personally think you are good at it.^[3]
Spend time with supportive people. Find friends you can talk to about your frustrations, who will listen and won't judge you. If you do not have close friends you feel comfortable doing this with, find someone who can provide good company during frustrating tasks, such as searching for jobs or using dating websites.
Analyze what makes you frustrated. Even if the problem seems obvious, discussing it may help you discover hidden issues such as low self-esteem or specific anxieties.^[4] A supportive mentor or counselor can be vital to help you talk these through.
Treat yourself. There's a fine line between motivating yourself and beating yourself up. When your pep talk starts sounding like insults, stop trying to force yourself and take a break. Keep a favorite snack around for these situations, or take a walk outside. Give yourself a longer break as well sometimes, with a bubble bath, sports game, or other activity that makes you feel recharged and happy.
Keep a log of your accomplishments. Frustration is often accompanied by the feeling that you lack purpose or meaning, but frustrated people rarely have a realistic view of themselves. Fight this by keeping a record of all your achievements, including daily tasks that you have difficulty with.^[5] If you have trouble recognizing any of your accomplishments, you may be suffering from self esteem issues. Have a friend or family member help you come up with some.
- Only write down positive events. For instance, if you have trouble motivating yourself to do the laundry, write down every time you succeed in this task. Do not write down the times you failed to accomplish the task.
Exercise to reduce stress. Physical activity can relieve tension and stress caused by frustration, especially if you exercise in the right environment. Walk, jog, or hike outdoors, in a natural environment if possible.^[6] If you are not used to exercising regularly, take it slow so you feel refreshed, not exhausted.
- If you aren't able to take an exercise break while working on a frustrating task, take a shorter break to practice deep breathing or meditation instead.
Change your course. If a personal project or repeated task is frustrating you, find another project or hobby to work on for a while. If you are frustrated at work, brainstorm ways to make your work go more smoothly, or request a shift in your work duties or scheduling.
- Consider alternating between projects, to avoid hitting a wall of frustration while staying productive. Spend 30–60 minutes on each one, with five minute breaks in between.
- If your job is causing severe stress and frustration, consider a vacation, take a sabbatical, or even look into changing jobs.
Recognize negative behavior. Frustration often leads to thoughts and behavior that only make the situation worse. Try to catch yourself when these negative events occur, and immediately take a break using the advice above.
- Thinking about what could have happened, or what you wish your life was like.^[7]
- Spending hours on a task that is neither enjoyable or productive, such as watching a television show you don't like.
- Sitting and doing nothing at all.

Dealing with Frustration in a Relationship or Friendship

Don't talk while you're still angry. If you are often frustrated or angry at a particular person, a discussion can help you mend your relationship. However, starting this discussion while one of you is angry will usually lead to an unproductive argument. Leave until you've calmed down, if possible, or remain silent. Once you've both calmed down, approach them and have a discussion using the following steps.
Bring up one issue at a time. Start your discussion by talking about a single issue, such as a specific action that frustrates you.^[8] Try to stay focused on this topic until you've seriously discussed it. Talking about possible underlying causes or related actions is allowed, but try to avoid turning the discussion into a list of things that irritate you.
Give the other person a chance to respond. Allow the other person a chance to respond in detail, without interrupting them. Try to listen intently before you decide how to respond. If you find this difficult, try repeating the other person's words silently to yourself to keep yourself focused, and keep your face and body aligned toward the other person.^[9]
Be honest but compassionate. Have an honest discussion of how you feel, and what you want to change, and ask the other person for honest opinions as well. However, stop yourself from making insults or hurtful comments. Use sentences that start with "I", talking about how you feel, rather than sentences with "you", which can often sound accusing.
- Avoid passive-aggressive behavior, such as hiding your real emotions or insulting someone behind his or her back.
- Avoid sarcasm or insults during this discussion, even as a joke.
Brainstorm solutions with the other person. Try to reach a compromise that you are both satisfied with. Writing down a list of ideas together can sometimes help. You don't need to come up with a perfect answer on the first discussion, either. If necessary, make it clear that the solution you decide on is temporary, and set a time to discuss it in a couple weeks to see whether it is working.
Show appreciation for effort. Thank the other person when she makes an effort to change his or her behavior. Even small changes, smaller than you would like, may lead to more change if you encourage them.