How to Cope if You Have Rejection Sensitivity

Human beings have a natural urge to belong. So, when someone rejects you, it’s common to feel hurt, embarrassed or angry. Some people, however, are especially sensitive to rejection from others. Rejection sensitive people may perceive rejection in innocent situations, and even react with hostility. If you’re extremely sensitive to rejection, you can learn to cope by finding appropriate ways to react to rejection, handling your emotions, and maintaining regular social interaction.

EditSteps

EditResponding to Rejection in the Moment

1. Acknowledge your sensitivity, but remember that feelings aren’t facts. A big part of being able to cope with rejection sensitivity is recognizing when it’s happening. If you suspect that you have rejection sensitivity, you will need to acknowledge your tendency to overreact to certain social situations. Then, it’s necessary to remember that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t make it real.^[1]
   
   • Think of it like you are adding an extra step to your usual response. As soon as you start to feel the emotions associated with rejection, turn up your self-awareness. Start analyzing the situation to determine whether it’s really a rejection or not.
2. Pause to prevent hostility or aggression. Your sensors are trying to get a handle on the situation, and that’s good. It’s not healthy to act first and think later. People who are sensitive to rejection may respond in a more antagonistic way than others. Take some time to yourself in order to prevent your emotions from ruining your relationship or reputation.^[2]
   
   • Take a deep breath. Count to 10. Leave the environment for a few minutes if needed. Do whatever you need to calm down and get a handle on your emotions before responding. Becoming hostile or ugly in response to perceived rejection will only make you feel more excluded in the long run.
3. Focus on something neutral in your environment. Research shows that when rejection-sensitive people focus on their emotions, they feel worse. Try not to dwell on what you’re feeling. Instead, turn your attention to some non-emotional feature of the situation or your environment.^[3]
   
   • Call to mind what the other person is wearing. Examine the décor and design elements of the room. Recount what you ate for breakfast earlier that day. Do whatever you need to detach from the situation and calm down.
4. Step into the other person’s shoes. The central thing to know about rejection sensitivity is you often sense contextual details that place you at the center. But, remember it may not be about you. Attempt to find alternative explanations for why the person may be behaving this way.^[4]
   
   • For example, if you don’t have children and you’re trying to make plans with a busy mom, she may not have a babysitter to meet up with such flexibility like you can. Any rebuff may just be about her not having the freedom to make plans.
5. Find a sounding board. It is common to ruminate on a perceived rejection. Talk with someone you trust about what is going on to get an objective view on the situation. People with rejection sensitivity are so tuned into their own emotions that it may be hard to consider another perspective. A trusted friend or family member can help you see other possible points-of-view.^[5]
   
   • Ask someone, “Hey, can I get your take on this situation? I asked Jan to meet up for coffee, but she keeps making excuses. How should I feel about that?”
6. Ask them to explain their behavior. If, after calming yourself, you would like to gain more insight about the situation, pull the person aside to talk. Do so politely. This is not a confrontation, but a discussion to get a better understanding.
   
   • You might say, “Hey, Jan. I’ve really been working hard to make plans with you, but it feels like you don’t actually want to get together. What’s going on here? Can you help me understand?”^[6]
   • Keep in mind that some people use rejection as a form of constructive criticism. The person might be using “tough love” to help you learn and grow. Try asking the person for clarification and you might find that their motives were positive.

EditDealing with Your Feelings

1. Practice mindfulness meditation. Becoming more aware of your feelings and the control they have over you can help you cope with rejection sensitivity. Mindfulness is a great starting place. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present moment. It decreases stress and can help with anxiety that may accompany rejection sensitivity.^[7]
   
   • Start with just 10 minutes of quiet, distraction-free time per day. You can set a timer to sound when your 10 minutes are up. You can also practice mindful meditation while driving, eating, or brushing your teeth.
   • Find a comfortable place to sit. Take several deep, cleansing breaths. Try to clear out your mind of any thoughts or judgments about what you’re doing. Focus completely on your breathing—in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let your attention follow the air as it travels from the environment into your lungs and back out again.
   • If your attention wanders, simply return to your breath. When the timer goes off, take a moment to notice how peaceful and relaxed you feel.^[8]
2. Be good to yourself. Rejections—whether real or imagined—hurt. Cope with rejection sensitivity by spending some time taking care of yourself. Nurse your emotional wounds by practicing self-care. Do things that help you feel nourished.
   
   • Eat healthy, balanced meals. Engage in physical exercise. Call a friend. Go out to the cinema and see a new movie. Plant a garden with a family member. Check out a good book from the library.
3. Develop your self-esteem with compassionate self-talk. Experiencing rejection can put a damper on your self-esteem. You may start to engage in self-talk that diminishes your social abilities, saying things like “You’re a loser” or “No one wants to hang out with you.” Counteract the effects of rejection on your self-esteem by practicing compassionate self-talk.^[9]
   
   • Choose qualities about yourself that you consider to be positive. Make a list. Then, think about ways in which others would benefit from these attributes you have. For example, if you are funny, you might uplift someone who is feeling down.
   • Now, create some compassionate statements regarding these traits. You might say, “I am an honest, caring person deserving of good friends.” Or, “I make people laugh. They are happy to spend time with me.”
   • Repeat these statements aloud whenever you feel low on confidence.
4. Avoid self-destructive coping behaviors. Coping with rejection sensitivity can be difficult, particularly when you feel all alone in your suffering. You might be tempted to turn to activities that allow you to escape or numb your emotions. Know that using drugs and alcohol, engaging in risky sex, gambling, or compulsive shopping habits won’t make you feel better.
   
   • If you feel the urge to turn to self-destructive activities, increase your self-care practice. Treat yourself as gently and kindly as you would a friend in pain. Get a massage. Take a walk in nature. Run yourself a scented bubble bath.
5. Look at the big picture. Try to put the criticism into context to determine if it is really worth worrying about. For example, you are just one out of seven billion people. Will anyone even remember you in a 100 years from now? How important is this criticism if you put it into the big picture of your life?
   • It might also help you to use a picture or video to remind yourself of how big the world is and to decrease the importance of the perceived criticism. Try looking at a picture or video of the earth from space.^[10]

EditEngaging Socially in the Future

1. Find a positive support system. With rejection sensitivity, you can easily get caught up dwelling on people who reject you and forget about those who embrace you. Make a point to spend time with people who value who you are as a person.^[11]
   
   • Whether it’s friends, coworkers, peers at school, or family members make an effort to connect with people who love and care for you. They can help balance the scales against any rejection you feel from others.
   • If you have trouble identifying a strong support system, attempt to meet new people. Volunteer and help out in your local community. Join an organization or club. Strike up a conversation with the wallflower at a party. Become an advocate for those who are oppressed or bullied.
2. Expect acceptance, and you’ll get it. Studies suggest that a major characteristic of people with rejection sensitivity is that they go into social situations anticipating a rebuff. In many ways, it seems this may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can possibly influence a positive outcome by expecting to be accepted instead.^[12]
   
   • When you’re entering a new social setting, tell yourself, “They’ll like me” or “I’m going to make so many friends.” You just might be surprised at the outcome.
3. Reassess your strategy. If you tend to receive many rejections in a particular area of life, such as in your career or dating life, you may need to examine your actions to see how you can improve. Think about it: you will never catch a fish if you’re using the wrong bait.
   
   • For instance, if you are applying for jobs that demand gregariousness and you’re shy, you may not impress the interviewer. Switch tactics and search for a similar job in which it doesn’t matter so much how outgoing you are. You may just get the position.^[13]
   • Keep in mind that rejection only feels like rejection if you believe it. Someone who does not view a criticism as a rejection will find it easier to dismiss or laugh it off.
   • It might also be useful for you to consider why this rejection affected you so strongly and what beliefs may be holding you back. This can help you to prevent them from holding you back in the future.
4. Consult with a mental health provider. People with rejection sensitivity often have childhoods defined by abuse or neglect. In addition, there are certain mental health conditions like depression and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that are associated with higher levels of rejection sensitivity.^[14]
   
   • See an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist who can carefully evaluate your history and any other symptoms you might be experiencing.

EditSources and Citations

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