How to Forgive

When someone hurts you, it can feel good to hang onto the anger and resentment that may bubble up after their actions. However, forgiving others can actually benefit you both mentally and physically, and it can help you move on from thinking about what the other person did.^[1] Forgiving yourself for hurting someone else is another tough task, and it can feel even harder than forgiving a friend or family member. With a little bit of patience and compassion, you can learn to forgive yourself or others and move on from feeling angry, hurt, or resentful.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Understanding Forgiveness

1. What forgiving is: a willingness to move on from an injustice you went through. Forgiving someone is a tough decision to make, and it doesn’t happen instantly. While you can consciously decide to forgive someone, it may take some time to process your emotions and actually come to terms with your situation.^[2]
   
   • Contrary to the popular saying, you don’t have to “forgive and forget.” While you can forgive someone, it might be harder to forget what they did to you entirely, especially if it really hurt you.
2. What forgiving isn’t: excusing the other person’s behavior. If you have to forgive someone, you were probably really hurt by something they said or did. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you’re saying their actions were okay or justifiable, and it’s important that you express that as you forgive.^[3]
   
   • If the person is truly sorry, they’ll change their behavior to try avoid hurting you in the future.
3. Consider why you want to forgive this person. Forgiveness is a decision that should be made thoughtfully, especially if someone did something seriously wrong. Take time to think through your feelings and your reasoning, to better understand the situation.^[4]
   
   • You want to resolve your own feelings of anger, confusion, or hurt.
   • You value your relationship with them, and believe that forgiving them is worth it.
   • They've shown a willingness to change their behavior, and you want to try again.
4. Avoid giving someone too many chances. You may choose to forgive someone once, twice, or three times. But if they are repeatedly and knowingly hurting you, or if they have done something extremely terrible, then you should consider protecting yourself. If someone has shown that they will mistreat you again and again, or that they are willing to do you serious harm, then you need to protect your own well-being.^[5]
   
   • For example, you can forgive an abusive father and choose not to talk to him ever again, because you know he would mistreat you.
   • For example, if your girlfriend yells at you and then apologizes and says she's working on controlling her temper, then you might decide to forgive her and continue dating her. If your girlfriend screams horrible abuse at you, or hits you, then you need to protect yourself and escape the relationship.
5. Choose to forgive because you want to, not because you have to. Forgiveness should be chosen freely, not reluctantly or under pressure. Forgiveness is a choice that you make for yourself, so don't let other people's ideas of what you "should" do pressure you into doing something that feels premature or just not right.^[6][7]
   
   • If you aren't ready to forgive someone, you don't have to do it yet. If anyone pressures you, say "I'm not ready to forgive yet."
   • You do not owe forgiveness to anyone else. If you do not want to forgive them, that is your choice.
6. Take the time to process your emotions. Sometimes, it takes a while to untangle all your feelings and figure out what to do. That's okay. Give yourself time and space to process. Helpful processing tools include:^[8]
   
   • Write in a journal about it.
   • Talk to a mentor or trusted person about the situation.
   • Express your feelings through artwork.
   • Spend some time focusing on something else, and come back later.

[Edit]Forgiving Others

1. Think about the health of the relationship and how much you value it. This is especially important if the harm done was a big. Is this relationship worth fighting for? Is it usually more good than bad? Do you believe that both of you can learn and overcome this with time and work? Take some time to think it over.
   
   • If you value the relationship, then use those feelings to help you commit to being brave and facing the issue.
   • If you believe the relationship mostly drags you down, it's okay to decide to part ways or to limit contact. You can forgive them while doing what's best for yourself.
2. Reach out to reconnect with a person you want to keep a relationship with. As life gets busy, it is difficult to stay in touch with friends. When a conflict has occurred to push people apart, that connection becomes even harder to salvage. If you want to forgive someone, then take the first step in the process by reaching out. This act alone will help you to feel more open and optimistic.^[9]
   
   • It is always difficult to take the first step, and sometimes you need to give yourself a push. Simply tell yourself, "Here we go," and pick up the phone and make contact.
3. Ask to be heard. Whether you decide to set up a face-to-face meeting with the person, or communicate via telephone or electronic device, the goal is the same: ask the person for time to express your thoughts and feelings about the conflict.^[10]
   
   • Assure the person that you are open and willing to hear what she has to say as well. This will allow the person to feel more open about the forthcoming discussion.^[11]
   • If the person refuses to meet with you, do not despair. There are things you can do to move toward forgiveness regardless of whether the person complies. The act of forgiveness is designed to help you in the end. For example, use writing instead of direct contact to express your feelings and thoughts about the person. Writing in a journal helps to process your feelings and is effective.
4. Discuss the issue. Some discussions in life are harder to have than others. When a conflict has occurred and negative feelings have grown, it is difficult to start the conversation. The goal would be to frame the conversation and guide it toward a peaceful resolution to manage the hurt and disappointment you are feeling.^[12]
   
   • First, thank the person for meeting with you.
   • Second, tell the person your goal is to hear each other's side of the story and come to some peaceful resolution so you both can move on.
   • Third, tell your side of the story. Make "I" statements to describe your thoughts and feelings, without making accusations.
   • Fourth, ask the person if there is anything else you can clarify for him before he provides the details of his side of the story.
   • Fifth, ask the person questions that will give you the necessary information to understand his intent, motives, thoughts and feelings.
5. Apologize for your own mistakes. Most every conflict involves a misunderstanding or misconception of what someone did or said. There are things that you must do to loosen the tension in the situation. Taking responsibility for your role is an act that fosters the open communication that you want, and is necessary to reach a resolution.
   
6. Accept the other person’s apology. If you have discussed the situation and the person has extended a sincere apology, then accept it. Even if you have to force yourself to say the words, “I accept your apology,” this is a large step toward creating a sense of forgiveness for yourself. Here are some examples of things you could say:
   
   • "I accept your apology, and I forgive you."
   • "I appreciate you saying that. Friends?"
   • "Thank you for apologizing. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet, but I will work on it. Please give me some time."
7. Show your willingness to move forward.^[13] If you must or want to maintain a relationship with this person, then your behaviors must demonstrate that you are serious. Your relationship will improve when you go through the process of forgiveness. This includes not holding grudges and bringing up the past. It also includes your willingness to laugh and be lighthearted around the person. Moving past a conflict is a huge relief, so let that motivate your actions.^[14]
   
   • As time passes and progress is made, you may notice you are still allowing feelings of betrayal to affect the way you treat the person. Perhaps it happens during heated arguments or discussions. You may not have processed your hurt feelings and still have some work to do. This is a normal reaction and can be managed by talking about your feelings with the person involved, or someone else.
8. Pay attention to whether they're changing their behavior. Have you given them the chance to change, by letting them know their actions hurt you? If so, are they working to adjust their behavior, or are they doing it again without caring how it's affecting you?^[15]
   
   • For example, say that your sister made fun of your nose, and you told her that it hurt your feelings, you should pay attention to whether or not she does it again.
   • A forgetful person may need a reminder now and then, especially if they've had a bad habit for a while. But if you remind them you're not okay with this, they should take you seriously and stop it the first time you ask.

[Edit]Forgiving Yourself

1. Accept what you did and why it was wrong. Instead of making excuses for yourself, try to recognize that what you did wasn’t okay and why you shouldn’t do it again. If you wouldn’t excuse it from someone else, you shouldn’t let yourself off the hook, either.^[16]
   
   • It’s easy to make excuses for yourself since you know yourself the best.
2. Recognize your flaws. All humans have flaws, and you’re no exception. Think about what you did and which flaws in your character made you do it. This will not only help you reflect on why you did what you did, but it can help you avoid situations like it in the future.^[17]
   
   • For example, if you lied to a friend and said you were busy when you actually weren’t, you may have issues with letting people down.
   • Or, if you cheated on a test, you might be struggling in school or need extra time to study.
3. Apologize to anyone you have wronged. If your actions hurt someone that you care about, reach out to them and apologize. There’s no guarantee that they’ll accept your apology, but it can help mend the gap between you two and start the process of reconciliation.^[18]
   
   • You could say something like, “Hey, I know I hurt you the other day when I lied, and I just wanted to reach out and see if you’re up to talking about it.”
4. Say the words, “I forgive myself.” While you might feel a little silly, speaking your forgiveness out loud can help you process and move on. When you feel like you’ve done all you can to make up for your actions, go ahead and forgive yourself for your mistake. Chances are, you’ll think a little harder before you make a mistake like that in the future.^[19]
   
   • Think about every mistake you make as a lesson learned that could benefit you in the future.
5. Find a therapist if you're struggling to cope. If you are having difficulty forgiving yourself and it is impacting your life in a negative way, perhaps it is time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Therapies intended to promote forgiveness have been successful in helping people overcome past hurts and achieve peace and resolution.^[20]
   
   • You can get a referral or suggestion from your physician, health insurance company, or a trusted family member or friend. However, if that is not feasible, contact your local department of mental health about counseling options.
   • If you feel you and your therapist are not a good fit, look for a different therapist. Every therapist is different and finding one with whom you feel comfortable is essential.
   • Try a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. Your therapist will help examine and dispel the negative thought patterns that you have developed.

[Edit]Moving On

1. Practice empathy and compassion. Both empathy and compassion can be learned. As with any new skill, you need to practice. If you are able to treat people the way you would like to be treated, you are more than half-way there.^[21]
   
   • Take the opportunity to practice compassion when out in public. If you see someone struggling getting into the doorway of a store, rush to open it. If you see someone that looks like she is having a bad day, smile and say hello. Your goal is to allow others to feel the impact of your good deeds.
   • Expand your empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to people outside your social circle. Try to strike up a conversation with a stranger once a week. If talking to a stranger is hard, then try reading blogs of people with different life experiences than yours. Go beyond small talk and try to (respectfully) inquire about their lives and experiences. This will broaden your worldview and help you become more understanding of others.^[22]
2. Question and adjust your perspective. You have probably been holding strong beliefs about a situation in which you were wronged by someone. Many times a person's perspective is askew and needs to return to a balanced state. It is important to keep things in perspective, especially if yours is causing you harm.^[23]
   
   • Is this important? Will I care about it 6 months or 6 years from now?
   • Is this worth my time?
   • Could I be jumping to conclusions? Could there be circumstances I'm not aware of?
   • Is this issue important to me, or should I just let it go?
   • Are my feelings or behavior holding me back from better things?
3. Make a list of the benefits of letting go of resentment. Think about how feelings of resentment might be shaping your life now, and how letting go could change things. Here are some things you might consider for the list:^[24]
   
   • I can stop lying awake in bed, playing and replaying imaginary conversations in my head. Instead, I'll just sleep.
   • I can stop feeling like a victim, and start feeling empowered to control my own life.
   • I can say goodbye to a bad chapter of my life, and start focusing on creating a good one.
   • I can focus less on this person's past mistakes, and focus more on rebuilding a stronger relationship.
   • I can remember what happened without feeling helpless, and use the knowledge of what went wrong to help me spot and avoid similar problems in the future.
4. Try moving from resentment to gratitude. Over time, work on letting go of resentment, and looking for the upsides to the situation. Strong feelings are natural at first, but they can become toxic if you hold onto them forever. If you catch yourself falling into a trap of negativity, work on finding the good parts. This can help you reframe things and feel more positively about your life. Here are some examples:^[25]
   
   • "I'm glad that I've finally finished the semester, so I don't have to deal with that difficult professor again. She is not my problem anymore."
   • "I'm thankful that my dad and my therapist are supporting me while I leave this abusive relationship."
   • "I'm glad that my mom was willing to listen and take me seriously when I said her criticism was damaging our relationship. I hope this will be the start of a positive change."
   • "I'm so happy that I have another chance to find love after I left behind a bad relationship."
   • "I'm glad that I get another chance with my boyfriend, and that he's making an effort to change his habits to treat me better. Things can become better than they were."
   • "I don't regret cutting contact with my toxic father. I'm so much happier now that he's not part of my life."
5. Appreciate the learning experiences. People and opportunities come into your life to teach you something. Each experience prepares us to be smarter and more in tune with what we want out of life. We learn from the good and the bad.^[26]
   
   • "I learned that it's not always a good idea to give a loan to friends, because it can hurt the relationship."
   • "I learned that not everyone is as careful with things as I am, so I should probably not lend treasured items to people who tend to break things."
   • "I've learned to interview potential roommates, so I can make sure that our lifestyles are a decent match."
   • "I learned to assume ignorance before malice. Sometimes people don't realize they're hurting my feelings."
   • "I learned that I can count on my dad to have my back during a crisis."
   • "I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was."

[Edit]Tips

• Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you toward forgiveness.
• Forgiveness is hard, but living with a grudge is even harder.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Accept an Apology
• Forgive Yourself
• Forgive a Cheater
• Forgive Someone
• Recognize a Controlling Person
• Forgive Yourself After Hurting Someone
• Let Go of Past Hurts

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201803/what-is-forgiveness-and-how-do-you-do-it
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201803/what-is-forgiveness-and-how-do-you-do-it
4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/presence-mind/201411/12-signs-youre-giving-too-much
6. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
7. ↑ https://www.anniewright.com/forgiveness-why-you-dont-need-or-have-to-forgive-anyone-if-you-dont-want-or-feel-ready-to/
8. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions
9. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict/index.html
10. ↑ https://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict/index.html
11. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
12. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner
13. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
14. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
15. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202006/healing-guilt-7-steps-self-forgiveness
17. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness
18. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/09/ce-corner
19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202006/healing-guilt-7-steps-self-forgiveness
20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202006/healing-guilt-7-steps-self-forgiveness
21. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
22. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
23. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
24. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201605/how-do-you-forgive-even-when-it-feels-impossible-part-2
25. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
26. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness

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How to Transform Yourself for the New Year

Most transformations take time, but many people see New Year's Day as a fitting moment to get started with resolutions to change their life for the better. Whatever the transformation you’re aiming for, be it educational, financial, physical, mental, or something else, determination, dedication, and hard work will help you set and achieve it. By defining your goals and creating an action plan for yourself, you may be able to transform your life in the coming year.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Setting Goals

1. Think about what you want to transform in a broad sense. Starting with a broad goal will help you define what you want and why you want it. Ask yourself what you’d really like to change in your life and why that’s something you care about. Are you looking to be healthier, or do you want to learn something new? Would you like a new career? Is there something else you want to change?^[1]
   
   • For example, you could set a goal like, “I want a new career because I want to feel more fulfilled with my job.”
   • It could be tempting to try to change every aspect of your life at once, but that can quickly get overwhelming, making it more likely that you’ll fall off the wagon. Instead, focus on just one area of your life, such as getting healthier or going back to school.
2. Break up your big goal into smaller steps. Once you have your overall transformation in mind, break it down into a set of more manageable goals. What steps can you take to make this goal a reality? Think about what you want to be different when the transformation is complete, identifying what you specifically want to change and using that as the basis for your goals.
   
   • If, for example, you want to improve your mind in the coming year, you may choose goals such as reading more books, learning a new language, and getting an educational or professional certificate.
3. Make an action plan. Look at each goal individually and decide what actions you want to take to accomplish it. Research resources, set dates, and schedule yourself in advance to make sure you have regular time dedicated to your goals.^[2]
   
   • For example, if your goals include learning a new language, your action plan may researching different language learning websites such as Duolingo or Busuu, or making a specific study schedule.
   • If your goals will require some investment to make happen, now is also the time to set a budget.
4. Set a timeline. Any transformation will be an incremental process. Before you begin, research a realistic timeline for your goals. Remember that transformations can be ongoing, and may take longer than a year.
   
   • Avoid setting arbitrary timelines. Safe, healthy weight loss happens at a rate of 1-2 lbs a week, for example, while proficiency in a new language takes months or even years. Use professional resources to help you set realistic timelines.^[3]
   • Things might come up that throw off your schedule over the year, and that’s OK. Set your timeline with the understanding that you might not be able to follow it completely, but that is no reason to give up.

[Edit]Working Towards Your Transformation

1. Gather any supplies you need to get started. Ask yourself what you need to start working towards your goal, doing online research to get ideas. Draw up a list and get the items as soon as you can so you can get started.
   
   • If you are looking to exercise more, for example, make sure you chart a good running path. If you want to learn a programming language, equip your desk with an instructional book and a quality computer.
   • You can even make this the very first step in your goal, which will help you feel like you’re already working towards it.
2. Start with a simple, consistent goal. Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to change everything at once. Start with your first, most manageable goal and get into a steady routine before adding more into the mix.^[4]
   
   • Starting small lets you work your way up to the greatest challenges. Think about learning a language: you start with basic vocabulary before you try to read a novel.
3. Find a partner in crime to keep you motivated. You’ll likely hit a few challenging moments in pursuit of your goals. Going through them with someone you trust, like a friend or family member, can give you strength, motivation, and even make it fun.^[5]
   
   • You can also find a shared interest group, either local or online, especially if you’re learning a specific skill or working toward a more common goal. You can speak and practice with others who understand your ambitions and may be able to help find creative solutions.
   • For some goals, you might want a partner who can challenge you and push you to be your best. If you want a running buddy, find someone who can make it just a block or two farther than you. If you want a study buddy for a new subject, ask a peer who has taken a related course before.
4. Work through your action plan, one thing at a time. Any major goal will feel daunting at first. Instead of getting overwhelmed by everything you have to do, take it one step at a time. Focus on completing the first item on your schedule without worrying about the next one, then move on once you’ve completed it.
   
   • If you start feeling overwhelmed, break your goals down even further. If you found a course you want to try, sign up for the class. If you found a professional with whom you want to work, make an appointment to see them.
5. Reward yourself for hitting goals along the way. Find small rewards for those moments when you act on your goals. Try to find things that you truly enjoy, and use them to congratulate yourself on your hard work. Creating a reward system will help you stay motivated and excited to work towards your goal.
   
   • Try something like playing your favorite song, taking a long bath, watching an episode of your favorite show, or something else that you enjoy to motivate yourself in the early stages of your goal.

[Edit]Keeping Yourself Motivated

1. Track your progress to stay on schedule. You’re more likely to keep going when you can see how far you have come. Track your progress to see how far you made it with your goal over the course of the year. Try writing down your progress in a journal, or using a visual tool such as a chart or drawing to show your progress.
   
   • If you are looking to get in shape, for example, you can track how far you biked or ran with charts and maps.
   • If you’re learning a new skill, try tracking your progress by writing a sentence or two every day about what new things you’ve learned, and what comes easily to you now.
   • Consider using a goal-tracking app such as Achiever^[6] or Stick^[7] to track your progress easily and on-the-go.
2. Talk about your goal with friends and family. Generating some publicity for yourself is one way to stay on track. Talk to your those close to you about what have already accomplished, and what you still want to do.^[8]
   
3. Rework your goals as needed. As you progress, your goals are likely to change. You may go from wanting to run a 5k to wanting to run a half marathon. You may have set out to learn Spanish, but find that you like Italian more. Re-evaluate your goals every few weeks and adjust them to fit your needs.
   
   • Designate specific times to check in on your goals. Set reminders on your calendar or in your planner.
   • Ask yourself, “How am I doing with this goal? Am I happy with my actions and their outcomes?”

[Edit]Tips

• Set aside the money needed to assist your transformation in a special account. Do not touch it except for the purposes of your goal.
• Read works by people who have undergone major transformations in life. What lessons can you glean from their experiences?
• Keep a journal and use it to boost your morale and reflect on your transformation journey.

[Edit]Warnings

• Do not make any major changes to diet, exercise routines, or anything that may impact your physical or mental health without first consulting a professional.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Be Confident
• Accomplish Your New Year's Resolutions

[Edit]References

1. ↑ [v161230_b01]. 6 January 2020.
2. ↑ http://www.bankrate.com/finance/personal-finance/9-ways-to-keep-your-new-year-s-resolutions-1.aspx
3. ↑ http://www.thecultureist.com/2014/05/27/spanish-korean-easiest-hardest-languages-learn-infographic/
4. ↑ http://www.cnbc.com/2016/01/11/how-to-stick-to-your-new-years-resolutions.html
5. ↑ [v161230_b01]. 6 January 2020.
6. ↑ www.achievr.biz
7. ↑ https://www.stickk.com/
8. ↑ [v161230_b01]. 6 January 2020.

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How to Set Goals for Life

Most people have a dream in life, a vision of who or what they'd like to be in the future. At a minimum, everyone has interests and values that determine what they want out of their lives. Even so, trying to set to achievable goals that you'll work for over the course of many years can be daunting. It can be hard to know where to even begin, and the things you hope to achieve may seem impossible. But, If you're well-prepared you may be able to set goals for your life that are just as fulfilling to work toward as to achieve.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Developing Life Goals

1. Think about what you want. Many people have only a vague sense of what they want from life. In this first step, your task is to starting converting ideas like "happiness" or "security" into things you would like to do.
   
   • Get a pen and some paper and start writing down things that are important to you in life. It's okay to be general at this stage, but try not to be vague.
   • For example, if the first thing that pops into your head is "happiness," that's fine. But try to define that term. What does "happiness" mean to you? What would you consider a happy life?^[1]
2. Write about yourself. One good way to start moving from general to specific is to do some free-writing about yourself. Think about your personality and your interests. This can help you define what is most important to you.^[2]
   
   • Try writing about how you enjoy spending your time. Begin your brainstorm by writing down what you enjoy doing and what excites you.^[3]
   • Don't limit yourself to activities or experiences that you think are productive or "worth doing." The point of a brainstorm is to get down as many ideas as possible, and this list will be useful later on in the process.
   • Write about things you are interested in and/or would like to learn more about. Are you interested in science? In literature? In music? Any of these could become lifelong pursuits.
   • Write about things about yourself you'd like to improve. Are you hoping to develop your skills as a public speaker? As a writer? As a photographer? Again, these can all become life-long pursuits.
3. Imagine your future. Think about your ideal future. What does it look like? Ask yourself questions that will help you get to a detailed picture.^[4] For example, imagine you are trying to decide on a long-term career. Here are some questions you might ask:
   
   • What time do you want to wake up every morning?
   • Where do you want to live? The city? A rural area? A foreign country?
   • Who will be there when you wake up? Is it important to you to have a family? If so, a job that requires a lot of long trips out of town might not be the best choice.
   • How much money do you want to make?
   • The answers to these questions may not be enough to point you toward a single dream job, by they can certainly help you rule some out.
4. Make your goals specific. After all this brainstorming, you should have some ideas about what you'd like to do with your life. In fact, you probably have several! Now is the time to make them as specific as possible.^[5]
   
   • For example, you may at this point have the idea that you might want to become a scientist. That's a good start. But now, think about what type of scientist you'd like to be. Do you want to be a chemist? A physicist? An astronomer?
   • Be as specific as you can. Imagine you've decided becoming a chemist might be the right path for you. Now, ask yourself what type of work you'd like to do within that field. Do you want to work for a private company, developing new products? Do you want to teach chemistry at a university?
5. Think about why. By now, you probably have a few strong contenders for life goals. Examine each one and ask yourself: "why do I want that?" Your answers may lead you to revise your goals.^[6] In general, setting goals that are meaningful to you because they relate to your personal values will make you more likely to succeed at reaching them.^[7]
   
   • For example, let's say you've decided to put "become a surgeon" on the list. You ask yourself why, and determine that it's because surgeons make a lot of money and are well respected. Those are valid reasons. But, if you discover that those are the only reasons, you might want to consider other careers that could provide the same benefits. Becoming a surgeon requires a lot of education. It can require keeping very unusual hours. If these things are less appealing, consider other goals that might achieve the same benefits of wealth and respect.

[Edit]Making a Plan for Achievement

1. Rank your goals. At the point that you have a few (or many) possible life goals, it's time to get serious about making a plan for achievement. A first step in this is prioritizing your goals. Be careful not to just set goals that you think will make you happy once you achieve them, but goals that also honor your values and reflect who you truly are and what you truly care about. These are easier to follow through on!^[8]
   
   • Deciding which goal or goals are most important can help you decide which ones to start working on first.
   • You also may need to start cutting goals from the list at this point. Some goals may not be achievable together. For example, you probably can't become a doctor who is also an astronaut and a famous rap music artist. Any one of these goals can take a lifetime to achieve. All of them together may be impossible.
   • Other goals might work well in tandem. For example, if you want to be a beer brewer and open a restaurant, you might combine these to create a new goal: open a brew pub.
   • Part of this ranking process will be a matter of assessing your personal commitment to each goal. You are not likely to achieve long-term goals that you are only moderately committed to, especially if there are other goals on your list that are much more important.^[9]
2. Do some research. Once you've narrowed the field to a single goal or a few that work well together, take some time to find out how to achieve these goals.^[10] You'll want to ask questions like:
   
   • What skills will you need to learn?
   • What educational qualifications are necessary?
   • What types of resources will you need to acquire?
   • How long should you expect the process to take?
3. Create subgoals. Achieving life goals is almost always a long and complicated process. Based on your knowledge of what it will take to achieve your goal, the next step is to break it down into smaller components.
   
   • Creating subgoals will make the process manageable and will help you create a step-by-step plan for reaching your ultimate goal.^[11]
   • Make these subgoals as measurable and tangible as possible. In other words, there should be a clear definition of each subgoal that makes it easy to tell when you have achieved it.^[12]
   • For example, if your goal is to open a restaurant, your subgoals might include saving up a certain amount of money, finding a location, designing the interior, getting it furnished, obtaining insurance, getting various permits and licenses, hiring employees, and finally, having a grand opening.
   • When working on long term goals, it's easy to feel like you aren't getting anywhere. With list of manageable and clear subgoals, however, it is much easier for you to see your own progress. This reduce the temptation to give up.
   • Try divide and accomplish strategy with long term goals (years), short term goals (months), projects (weeks), and tasks (days). A good goal planning software can also help you to be accountable, list and organize your projects and extract your most important tasks and plans every day.
4. Create a timeline. Once you've got the steps to achieving your goal mapped out, set some deadlines. Think about how long each sub goal should reasonably take, and make a timeline for achieving them.
   
   • Having deadlines will keep you motivated by adding a sense of urgency. It will also make you accountable for meeting goals at certain times, rather than letting them slip down your priority list.
   • Using the restaurant example, if you want to have $10,000 saved within three years, you can break that down to about $278 a month.This will help you remember to actually set aside the money each month, rather than spending it on other things.
5. Plan for obstacles. Finally, try to imagine things that could interfere with your plan. Thinking in advance about obstacles you might encounter will help you develop ideas for how to deal with them, if they come up.^[13]
   
   • For example, imagine you have decided to become a research chemist. You decide to apply for a graduate program in the top school for chemistry. What happens if you aren't accepted? Will you apply elsewhere? If so, you'll probably need to do so before you even find out if your first-choice school accepted you. Or maybe you think it's a better idea to wait until the following year and apply again. If so, what will you do during that year to make your application more appealing?

[Edit]Working Toward Your Goals

1. Create the right environment. Whatever your goal, there are probably some environments that are better for achieving it than others. Do whatever you can to make sure that the people and physical spaces you spend time with don't create obstacles.^[14]
   
   • For example, if you are entering a medical program, you're going to need to study long hours and concentrate on your work. If you live with friends who party all the time and will encourage you to do the same, you might want to consider moving.
   • Surrounding yourself with other goal-oriented people can also help keep you accountable and motivated.
2. Get to work. Pick a date to begin work on the first subgoal on your list. Then, dive in!
   
   • If you aren't sure how to accomplish your first subgoal, it is too complicated to be your first subgoal. If you can't identify the first step toward that goal, you may need to to more research and/or break it down into smaller subgoals.
   • Set a start date at least a few days in the future. If it's a goal you're excited about, the anticipation will help get you motivated and enthusiastic for the first step.^[15]
   • You can also use the downtime before the start date to adjust your plan, get advice, or acquire any tools you need to achieve your goal.
3. Work on your goals consistently. Once you get started, the key to achieving life goals is work on them steadily and consistently. This is a step-by-step process that is going to take a long time. It is crucial, therefore, to keep making progress.
   
   • Many people set goals and then jump in with great enthusiasm, devoting a lot of time and energy to the goal in the early stages. Enthusiasm is great, but try not to burn yourself out in the first few weeks or months. You also don't want to set standards that you won't be able to live up to in the long run. Remember that you are in this for the long haul. This isn't a race, it's a journey.^[16]
   • A good way to ensure consistent progress is to build time into your daily routine for working on your goals.^[17] For example, if you are studying to become a chemist, set aside a specific portion of each day for homework from your classes, for example, 3pm to 7pm. Set aside a specific part of the day for developing your own research, say 7:30pm to 9pm. Try to always use these hours for these purposes, unless you absolutely must deviate from that schedule. But at 9pm, call it quits for the night and do something to relax.
   • Keep in mind that to achieve any goal, there is no away around investing a lot of time and effort. Putting in the hours and the sweat is how you will achieve your goal.^[18]
4. Stay motivated. Because consistency is so important, it is crucial that you stay motivated.
   
   • Having achievable subgoals is crucial to your motivation. It will be much easier to stay enthusiastic and committed if you feel that you are making progress.^[19]
   • Use reinforcement to create incentives. Positive reinforcement is adding something good to your life. Negative reinforcement is taking away something unwanted. Both can help you stay motivated. If you are trying to keep yourself focused on filling out a permit application for your restaurant, and notice you are getting distracted, offer yourself a reward. Maybe after you've finished the application, you can treat yourself to a professional massage. Or, maybe you'll be more motivated by allowing yourself to skip out on a weekly chore for once. Either way, reinforcement can keep you on task.^[20]
   • Punishing yourself for failing to achieve subgoals is not as effective as reinforcement good behavior. If you opt to create unpleasant consequences for yourself, make sure to use rewards, too.^[21]
5. Track your progress. One of the best ways to stay motivated is keep track of your progress and check it regularly. Depending on your goal and personal preferences, you can use an app, a journal, or a calendar.
   
   • Any of these will help remind you of subgoals you've already achieved. They can also keep you accountable to yourself for staying on schedule.^[22]
   • Writing in a journal regularly can also help ease stress and anxiety that might come with the process of striving for a long term goal.^[23]

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

• Goals often change along with life experiences. Make a conscious effort to think about your goals regularly, instead of blindly following a path you decided on years before. It's ok to make revisions.

[Edit]Warnings

• Avoid creating "negative" goals, which focus on what you dislike instead of what excites you.^[24] For example, "stop getting into bad relationships" is less effective than "find a fulfilling relationship."

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Achieve Something in Life
• Figure out Your Life

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ Morisano, D., Hirsh, J. B., Peterson, J. B., Pihl, R. O., & Shore, B. M. (2010). Setting, elaborating, and reflecting on personal goals improves academic performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 95(2), 255.)
2. ↑ Morisano, D., Hirsh, J. B., Peterson, J. B., Pihl, R. O., & Shore, B. M. (2010). Setting, elaborating, and reflecting on personal goals improves academic performance. Journal of Applied Psychology, 95(2), 255.)
3. ↑ http://www.fastcompany.com/3029765/work-smart/how-to-set-goals-for-the-life-you-actually-want
4. ↑ http://www.mindtools.com/page6.html
5. ↑ Austin, J. T., & Vancouver, J. B. (1996). Goal constructs in psychology: Structure, process, and content. Psychological Bulletin, 120, 338 –375.
6. ↑ Brunstein, J. C. (1993). Personal goals and subjective well-being: A longitudinal study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 1061–1070.
7. ↑ [v161308_b01]. 13 March 2020.
8. ↑ [v161308_b01]. 13 March 2020.
9. ↑ Koestner, R., Lekes, N., Powers, T. A., & Chicoine, E. (2002). Attaining personal goals: Self-concordance plus implementation intentions equals success. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 231–244.
10. ↑ http://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/blog/2014/06/30/rediscover-your-motivation-and-set-achievable-goals-with-life-coach-directory/
11. ↑ http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/putting-your-goals-into-action
12. ↑ http://www.goalsettingbasics.com/support-files/smart-instructions.pdf
13. ↑ http://theinvestingmindset.com/goal-setting-how-to-to-achieve-your-goals-in-7-steps
14. ↑ http://leavingworkbehind.com/how-to-set-goals/
15. ↑ http://zenhabits.net/the-ultimate-guide-to-motivation-how-to-achieve-any-goal/
16. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/resolution.aspx
17. ↑ http://examinedexistence.com/why-having-a-daily-routine-is-important/
18. ↑ http://theinvestingmindset.com/goal-setting-how-to-to-achieve-your-goals-in-7-steps
19. ↑ Duckworth, A. L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M. D., & Kelly, D. R. (2007). Grit: perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Journal of personality and social psychology, 92(6), 1087.
20. ↑ http://www.appliedbehavioralstrategies.com/reinforcement-101.html
21. ↑ https://www.mdaap.org/pdf/Bi_Ped_Brief_Interv_Behav_Modification.pdf
22. ↑ http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/dec09/vol67/num04/When-Students-Track-Their-Progress.aspx
23. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/
24. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/notes-self/201308/how-set-goals

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